Secrets
by XxStephXx
Summary: In the middle of the war Lily and James want the same things, to fight and win against the Deatheater and to put their marriage back together, but can they when Lily is holding back a secret that could make or break them for good
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

_James,_

_I know you're probably at home hating me right now. In fact I'm not even sure you're even reading this, you probably burnt the letter to a crisp when you saw it was from me. But I'm going to write it anyway. _

_The way I left was unforgivable I know that. But I had to come here, for me. I didn't do it to hurt you, in fact that is the last thing I ever wanted. It's weird being away from you, I'm not used to sleeping alone, especially in a dirty old sleeping bag._

_Fighting with the Order really makes a difference, and right now I feel like I'm making a difference. I'm just sorry it takes me away from you for so long. That is pretty much all I have time for and all I can think of to say to you._

_I miss you_

_I love you_

_Lily xx_

* * *

James read the letter slowly. He knew she couldn't tell him where she was, it wasn't uncommon for letters to be intercepted these days. But she didn't even tell him how she was. Was she hurt? Tired? Scared? He wasn't even worth a half decent length of parchment.

She had hurt him badly, she hadn't even told him about the offer from the Order to go undercover for seven months. They had been having problems and arguing a lot. One night he had come home to find her packed and ready to go. She had never even apologised for it.

So James sat at home alone every night, in the dark wondering if his wife was still alive. His worst fear was Lily getting injured or worse before he could bring himself to forgive her for deserting him. He never replied to any of her letters.

* * *

**MEANWHILE**

"You're lucky this time," the Healer said.

Lily had only just managed to escape from a particularly bloody battle, luckily all she had to show for it was a broken leg and a few cuts.

"Yeah I know," Lily winced as the healer moved her leg. "Can you fix it?"

"I can fix anything," said the Healer.

"Good," said Lily. "Dumbledore won't let us fight until we get a certificate of health from you."

"I know," said the Healer. "We're losing enough good people without sending them out weak and injured."

"Alright," said Lily. "Fix me up and send me back out there."

"You've been in here a lot recently," the Healer mused. "Anything on your mind?"

"No, I'm fine," Lily lied.

"What about him?" she asking, tapping Lily's wedding rings with her quill.

"Him," said Lily sadly looking down at her rings. "He won't even write to me. We argued, I got this offer and I left. Never really said a proper goodbye."

"First love?"

"First and only," said Lily.

"It'll pass," said the Healer. "First love is the worst to get over."

"I don't want it to pass," said Lily sadly. "He's my husband."

"Uh…you're results are in," said the Healer. While they had been talking she had healed Lily's leg and drawn some blood to test. "It's not one hundred percent, I'll have to do confirmatory tests but…"

"But what?" asked Lily, this did not sound good.

"Your hormone levels…I think you're pregnant."

"No, I can't be," Lily dismissed. "We use the contraception charm, every time."

"You mean the charm that is only ninety five percent effective? There is still that five percent."

"Crap," Lily muttered. "You're not going to let me go back out there, are you?"

"No," said the Healer. "Lie down."

Lily lay down on the bed and gently lifted her top to expose her abdomen. The healer muttered under her breath and a sonogram bubble appeared above her stomach.

"Well that confirms it," said the Healer. "You're about three weeks along."

"The night before I left," Lily muttered. "Sounds about right."

"I can't let you fight while you're pregnant. Do you know you're options?"

"Yeah terminate and fight in this war, or have it and be stuck on a desk job."


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

_James, _

_Mission got cut short_

_I'm back at work today_

_Lily xx_

* * *

"What is this?" asked James angrily. He had cornered Lily in the empty staff room. He balled up the note, that had been left on his desk, and threw it in the bin.

"I just thought I should warn you, that's all," said Lily sipping her tea.

"When did you get back?"

"This morning," said Lily. "You never answered any of my letters, I wasn't sure how happy you would be to see me."

"You mean after you deserted me and abandoned our marriage!"

"I didn't abandon anything," she sighed. "I know you're angry with me but…"

"Angry? I passed angry a week ago!"

"But I want to work on this, I don't want to give up on us."

"Maybe it's too late for us," said James harshly.

"Don't say that," said Lily sadly. She knew James had a habit of lashing out when he was hurting, most of the time he didn't mean the things he said. "I missed you."

"Whatever," said James breaking eye contact with her. "I have to get back to work."

"You're not wearing your wedding ring."

"I don't have a wife."

"What am I?" snapped Lily. It was one thing to be mad at her but it was another to deny that she existed altogether. "A colleague? Some girl you occasionally screw? Cause' I'm not your ex wife…"

"Yet," said James walking out of the room. If he stayed they would end up arguing again and he didn't want to argue, he wasn't sure his heart could take anymore arguing.

"Damn," muttered Lily.

That had not gone how she had hoped, James was more than mad at her, in fact she almost saw some indifference in him. He hadn't shown any sort of emotion, he hadn't seen her for three weeks and he didn't care. Lily hadn't made a decision about her pregnancy yet. She was only three weeks along, there was plenty of time to decide, she didn't want to rush into anything. Her main reason really was she didn't want James to take her back just because she was pregnant. She had to know that he still loved her for her, not just because she was having his baby.

* * *

That night when James got home he found that the lights in the house were already on, something that surprised him. He knew it was still Lily's home, he just didn't expect her to go back especially after what he had said to her earlier.

"Hello," he shouted. "Lily is that you?"

"Yeah it's just me," said Lily appearing at the top of the stairs. "How was your day?"

"Fine," said James harshly. "I wasn't expecting you to come home."

"I do still live here," Lily pointed out.

"And another thing," he said suddenly remembering. "Why weren't you called to the attack earlier today?"

"Um…I hurt my leg on the mission," said Lily uneasily. "It's going to take a while to get back into shape, so I'm on desk duty for a few months."

"You said your mission got cut short."

"Yeah it did because I hurt my leg," said Lily. It wasn't a lie exactly, she had hurt her leg she just didn't mention that the Healer had fixed it.

"Is it bad?" James asked casually as if he didn't really care that much and was just being polite.

"Why? Do you care?" Lily asked raising her eyebrow at him. James had never been very good at hiding his emotions.

"We don't need someone on the team that can't hold their own," said James avoiding eye contact with her.

"Like I said you won't have to worry about that, I'm on desk duty," said Lily sharply. "I would have thought you would have been happy about that."

"Why would I be happy about my wife getting hurt?"

"Now I'm your wife?"

"Legally you're still my wife," said James. "And I would never wish any sort of harm on yo…anyone."

"Isn't that what you wanted though, James! Me to be the good little wife that just filed reports but stayed out of harms way and ironed your damn socks! You hated that I wanted to fight them, you always did! This should make you happy, I don't get anywhere near the battlefield! So are you happy now?" Lily shouted at him

"Am I happy that you got hurt? No! Am I happy that you're unhappy? No! Am I happy that you're not putting yourself in harms way? Absolutely!" James shouted back at her.

"You never supported my decision to be an Auror! I supported you, but you never did the same! How would you feel if you couldn't fight?"

"That's completely different!"

"Why? Why is it different for you?"

"Because…"

"Because I'm a woman, you sexist arrogant son of a…"

"Because I loved you!" James roared. "And I couldn't watch you being thrown ten feet into the air by those people! You're my wife, I'm supposed to keep you away from all that."

"Loved?" said Lily quietly. "You loved me?"

"You know I did," said James wondering what had made her stop shouting at him.

"Past tense," she said feeling like she was about to start crying. "Right, I guess that answered the question I came here to ask you."

"What question?"

"If you wanted me leave? I didn't know if you wanted me to come home so we could work on this. But I guess you just answered that, I'll just go and get some of my things," said Lily as she all but ran up the stairs.

"Lily…" James tried.

He knew it was no use, she wouldn't come back down stairs. In fact if he knew her she would lock herself in their bedroom and cry. She would deny it and hide it if he went up there. The worst part is he hadn't even meant to say it like that, he hadn't stopped loving Lily. Now his wife was upset because of him, he hated it when she got upset because she always tried so hard to be brave.

* * *

Lily was sitting on the edge of her and James' bed, tears streaming down her face. She already packed a bag of clothes before James had gotten home, she had wanted to make a quick exit if he had wanted her to leave. But she couldn't leave until the tears had stopped, James didn't have to see how upset she was. Once she had stopped crying, she got up and walked over to her dressing table, she put a few simple charms on her face to disguise the fact that she had been crying. How could she have been so stupid? She knew they had been having a few issues but she hadn't known that James was falling out of love with her, if she had known she would never have gone on the mission in the first place. How had it happened so fast? Her feelings for James hadn't changed at all since their wedding day? He still infuriated her, annoyed her, hurt her but she still loved him more than anything.

She got up and went to his wardrobe she pulled out his Grey jumper. He had had it since they had left school and wore when they were lying around the house, hanging out. She lifted it to her face and inhaled the scent, it smelled like James it always did. She put it into her bag and hoped he wouldn't notice it was gone.

She quietly crept down stairs, praying James wouldn't hear her. She couldn't face talking to him again that night. She was almost at the front door when he crept up on her.

"You weren't even going to tell me you were leaving?" he said.

"You're a smart man, you would have figured it out," said Lily not turning to face him.

"Lily you don't have to leave," he said.

"I-I don't," asked Lily, hoping he was willing to work things out.

"No you don't," he said. "This is your home. I'll go."

"No I'm already packed," Lily snapped. "I'll see you around Potter."

"Lily…please."

"Please what?"

"I don't know," James confessed. "But I don't want to leave it like this."

"Me neither," she sighed. "We do have to work together, lets just try to keep it civil, okay?"

"Okay," said James.

* * *

JAMES POV

She left four hours ago and here I am yet again, sitting at home alone in the dark drinking firewhiskey. The only difference is last night, I was wishing for my wife to come home and tonight I hate myself because when she did come home I let her walk out the door again. I swore I wouldn't do it, that I would work on our marriage because I can't give up on my wife. I'm officially pathetic. I drove her out the door and here I am wishing she was here, because I missed her more than I ever thought I could. We had spent exactly two nights apart since we got married, before she went on that damn mission. So in the past three weeks I haven't exactly gotten a lot of sleep, I need to know that she is sleeping next to me because then I know she's safe. I just want her here with me! She belongs here, and I have to go and tell her that I didn't love her anymore, when nothing could be further from the truth. I do love my wife, I always have. Lately we just got lazy and forgot that we had to work at our marriage and we started arguing because I hate her fighting the deatheaters. I admit I hate her fighting them, if I had my way she wouldn't be out there because there is nothing like the terror of looking around a bloody battlefield and realizing that your wife is one of the lifeless bodies lying on the ground. She is a great Auror though, one of the best but even the best Aurors lose and die!


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

"How you doing?" Remus asked Lily. He had dropped by the Ministry to see James and Sirius, he had spotted Lily sitting in her office on his way out. She seemed to be just staring into space, deep in thought.

"Remus hi," said Lily immediately brightening up. She stood up and hugged him. "How are you?"

"I'm good," said Remus. "How are you? I talked to James he told me you moved out."

"I'm alright," said Lily. "Just trying to come up with new fighting strategies, but I think I have a mental block or something."

"You look exhausted," said Remus. "Where are you staying?"

"With my Dad," said Lily. "I'm going to look at some flats tonight, my Dad is already driving me mad with his questions."

"I'm sure he's just worried about you."

"Yeah I know," said Lily.

"So you and James…are you over?"

"Looks like it," said Lily sadly.

"You took off your rings," Remus observed. "Why?"

"Because my marriage is over," said Lily. "It would hurt too much to have to look at them everyday."

"I can't imagine you and James not being together, let alone with other people," said Remus. "It just doesn't seem right."

"You'll get used to it."

"So I'm assuming he doesn't know your pregnant?" said Remus casually. "Do you know you're pregnant?"

"What are you talking about?" asked Lily calmly. Remus had great instincts but surely even he couldn't tell that, she wasn't even a month along she certainly wasn't showing.

"You, you're pregnant," said Remus. "Call it Wolf instincts."

"You can't tell anyone," said Lily looking around nervously making sure they couldn't be overheard. "It's too early to tell anyone, I'm not even four weeks along yet."

"Don't worry your secret is safe with me," Remus reassured him. "You haven't told James."

"No and you can't tell him either," said Lily. "Like I said it's too early."

"Are you keeping it?" asked Remus. He knew Lily well and he could tell that she wasn't being completely honest with him.

"Remus you don't have to do this," Lily sighed. "You're James' friend."

"I'd like to think that we're friends too, you look like you could use one," said Remus.

"I don't know if I'm keeping the baby," Lily admitted. "I have another two months to decide."

"Are you going to tell James?"

"I don't know," said Lily. "I suppose I'll have to eventually, but things are complicated enough between us without this."

"I'll keep it to myself I promise," said Remus kindly.

"Thank you."

* * *

"Potter, your reports for the week," said Tricia. She was Moody's admin assistant, she handled all the paperwork for the department. She was tall, brunette and very pretty, she got on well with all of the Aurors, James and Sirius included.

"Got them right here," said James pulling them out of his top drawer.

"Thanks," she said adding them to her pile. "Do you know where your wife is? I need to see if she has her healer certificate yet, Moody is going nuts because she can't go out on active duty."

"Uh…no I haven't seen Lily today," said James awkwardly. "I think she said she hurt her leg when she was away."

"You think?" asked Tricia. "Wow must have been a great reunion if you couldn't even find out how she got hurt."

"Wasn't much of a reunion," said James bitterly. "We're separated at the moment so…no I don't know where Lily is."

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that," said Tricia. "If you ever need to talk, I'm here."

"Thanks," said James. "Just let me know if I missed anything in my reports, I got them done kinda late."

"I'll do that," said Tricia. "See you."

"Yeah later," said James turning back to his desk.

Separated! That word kept swirling around his head, they were separated. That was the first time he had actually said that, and he hated it. It just didn't sound right that he and Lily were separated, everyone knew that after the separation came divorce, he couldn't think of a single couple that separated and then got back together. He had never actually sat down and contemplated his future without Lily. What happened when the war ended and they weren't together? Would she find someone else? Of course she would, who wouldn't want to make her theirs? No, he had never allowed himself to picture himself in a few months time without his wife, and he wasn't about to start doing it now.

* * *

"Look it is not my fault the Healer's won't clear me for active duty," Lily hissed at Tricia an hour later.

"Come on there is nothing wrong with your leg," said Tricia. "I have Moody on my case about this, just file the damn paperwork and get your ass back into battle."

"Who told you it was my leg?" asked Lily. She had successfully managed to dodge questions about why she wasn't fighting, only Remus knew the real reason and she had only told James that hurt her leg.

"I have my sources," she said smugly.

"So James told you I injured my leg," said Lily hating Tricia more by the second. "You could have just said that."

"I could have," she said. "But I wouldn't want you to get the wrong impression about my relationship with your ex-husband. He just needs someone to talk to and keep him company after you left him for months."

"He is not my ex-husband," snapped Lily. "I did not leave him! And I was gone for three weeks not months!"

"Really, we felt like it was forever."

"We?"

"James and I," said Tricia.

"I don't have a Healer's certificate and I won't be getting one in the next few months," said Lily sharply. "I think you need to leave before I blow your head off."

"There is no need to be like that," said Tricia sweetly. "You are separated."

"I'm serious sweetheart," said Lily dangerously. "I will blast you halfway to Saturn if you…"

"If I what? Go near James, it's a little late for that."

It took all of Lily's self control, but she calmly got up and left her office, without inflicting any physical injuries on the little tart.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 **

"Remus," said Lily quietly. She had been walking around all night and most of the day as well. She had had the day off work, she was still reeling from what Tricia had said to her. Now she had found herself outside Remus' flat, soaking wet and still crying.

"Lily what's wrong?" he asked pulling her inside. "Are you hurt?"

"I…I couldn't…I was going to…I would have kill…because I was mad…how could I have even…I hate myself…"

"Alright come in, calm down," said Remus calmly. "Let get you dried up." He muttered an incantation under his breath and Lily was instantly bone dry. "Slowly tell me what happened."

"I booked an abortion for this morning," said Lily her voice almost dead.

"Oh right," said Remus shocked. He had not expected that, the Lily he knew would never have been able to have a termination. Maybe James had been right about Lily being a different person, but she could never be so cold.

"You want to know why I booked it?"

"Sure."

"Tricia came to talk to me yesterday…"

"Ah."

"Ah? You knew about her and James, while I was away. You knew!"

"I knew she was after him, yes," said Remus calmly.

"Well apparently she's got him now," said Lily bitterly. "So I got upset and then I got mad and then spiteful. So I booked an abortion to kill James' baby."

"You had an abortion?" asked Remus shocked.

"No," said Lily firmly. "I booked one, I just couldn't do it. But if that nurse had called my name a few minutes earlier, I would have done it."

"It's alright," sighed Remus. "You could never have went through with it, I know you. You wouldn't have done it, you don't have it in you."

"I do though," said Lily. "I was really going to do it, just because I was mad at him I was going to kill my own baby."

"You weren't," said Remus firmly. "What are you going to do now?"

"Have the baby," said Lily. "It's my baby, what else can I do?"

"Are you sure that's what you want?" said Remus. "You have other options."

"What? Adoption? Nah I couldn't do that, let someone else raise my baby," said Lily sadly. "No, I'm going to do this."

"What about James?"

"I'll do it without him," said Lily. "I'm not about to let him and Tricia anywhere near my baby…it's a boy by the way."

"A boy?"

"Yeah, he's due on the 3rd of August," said Lily. "I though Tarquin would be a nice name…or maybe callum?"

"Lily that's great, you're having a son!" smiled Remus.

"I know," said Lily smiling like a maniac. "It's weird, but good weird and exciting. It's scary though too, I'm going to be a Mum."

"You'll be a wonderful mother," said Remus kindly. "I know you will be."

"Thanks," said Lily gratefully. "Even though I did almost kill him."

"Everyone is allowed to have doubts," said Remus.

"Thank you, I knew there was a reason I came to talk to you," Lily smiled. "Sorry I gave you such a fright, just showing up here crying all emotional and all that."

"It's no problem," said Remus kindly. "I know you're having a hard time right now, and James seeing Tricia can't be helping matters."

"So he is actually seeing her?" asked Lily.

"To be honest, I'm not sure. I haven't seen much of James recently, I know they were having coffee tonight…I'm sorry I don't want to lie to you."

"It's alright," said Lily. "I'm going to have to hear about it sooner or later, I'd much rather hear it from you than her."

"You going to be okay?"

"You mean being a single mother or being an Auror that can't do anything except a load of paperwork."

"Both," Remus smiled.

"I'll be okay," Lily reassured him. "I should probably go I have to be up early tomorrow morning."

"Alright," said Remus. "Call me if you need to talk."

"Thanks."

* * *

Once again James was sitting home alone, in the dark, thinking about Lily. Earlier that night he had gone for coffee with Tricia, he had thought it was just a friendly thing. As soon as he met her he knew she thought it was a date. He just wanted someone to talk to, sure he had his friends but they didn't really understand. Sirius and Peter just told him to get back on the horse, there was plenty more fish in the sea. Remus just avoided the subject altogether, James knew that Remus thought he was doing the wrong thing, Remus thought he should just forgive Lily. Part of James thought he was right, he wanted to forgive her and get back to how they used to be, but the other part of him was still pissed off at her. More than anything he just wanted to talk to her, and hold her for a while.

Then out of nowhere Sirius' head appeared in the fire.

"What's up mate?" James asked dully.

"There is a major attack going on in Diagon Alley, all Auror are getting pulled in. You need to come now!"

"All Aurors?" asked James. Surely they wouldn't pull Lily in to battle when she was injured, no matter how major the attack was.

"Every last one, it's a biggie."


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"Where is she?" James gasped. They had been fighting for eight long hours before the Deatheaters had retreated and unfortunately had lost a lot of Aurors along the way. James hadn't managed to catch even so much as a glimpse of Lily, and he couldn't help but fear the worst. She was unfit for active duty, her leg was weak and would have slowed her down but he knew Moody had sent Aurors out injured before especially when the battle was as bad as it was that night.

"Who?" asked Sirius.

"Lily!"

"I don't know mate, I never saw her," said Sirius. "Come on we have to report back before they think we're dead too."

"She can't be dead," James gasped as if he was having trouble breathing. "She wasn't even supposed to be out there!"

"Hey we needed every body we could get out there, Moody would have sent her in Medical Certificate or not," said Sirius trying to be tactful. "Lets just report back and then we can find out what happened."

"My wife isn't dead," said James quietly. "Not now."

"Come on Mate," said Sirius leading through to the main room.

As soon as he walked in James started to search the room for Lily, it was crowded and he couldn't see her yet. Just as his panic was starting to turn to sheer terror, he heard her.

"Alright guys, I know you're tired but just form an orderly queue sign in and then the Healers will check you over," Lily shouted.

"Thank God," James whispered closing his eyes letting relief wash over him. Without even think he started to fight his way through the crowds not even bothering to make sure he hadn't hurt anyone he had pushed. He didn't stop until he was right in front of her.

"I need you to take this potion," said Lily to the Auror at the front of the line. "Just to be sure that you haven't been placed under the Imperius curse or a deatheater using a Polyjuice potion."

"Thank God, you're okay," he breathed as he pulled her by the shoulders into his arms.

"Wha…" Lily exclaimed.

She hadn't noticed James fighting his way to her, the first she knew he was there was when he grabbed her. Momentarily she just forgot how much she was hurting and how mad she was at him. Because no matter what happened between them, no matter what went on in the world, there was no place Lily would rather be than in her husband's arms. Even if it was just for a few seconds. She inhaled him, trying to remember him because chances are she would get to feel his arms around her again, she would never feel that safe feeling only James could give her.

"James what are you doing?" said Lily pulling herself out of his grasp. "You should join the queue like everybody else."

"I…I didn't see you out there. I-I thought you were…I thought something had happened," James stuttered as he just stared at her as if looking for some sort of sign as to why she pushed him away.

"I haven't been cleared for active duty yet," said Lily trying to sound indifferent. "Why don't you go and make sure your girlfriend is alright? I think I saw her around here earlier."

"What are you…"

"Hey no cutting, we all want to get out of here!" an Auror James didn't know shouted at him. "Get to the back of the line!"

* * *

After three hours James finally made it to the front of the line, it was just him, Lily, the Healer and one other Auror.

"Just take this potion and sign here," said Lily not even looking up at him.

"Lily what you said earl…"

"Take the potion and sign here!" snapped Lily.

"I thought you were dead," sighed James sadly. "Please I just…"

"I'm fine," said Lily kindly, she still didn't look up from her list. "And I'm glad you weren't hurt, you have no idea how glad. But please just take the potion and sign the list."

"Okay," said James doing as he was told.

* * *

By the time James had finished his check up with the Healer, Lily was gone. He couldn't stop thinking about the look on her face when she had pushed him away. She looked so hurt and betrayed, she thought he had a girlfriend. James had almost laughed when it hit him what she thought, how was he supposed to have a new girlfriend when every night he sat home in the dark pining for Lily? How could he have met someone else when his wife had only been gone for a month? Til death do us part, that meant something to him and today had only reminded him how much he loved Lily and he didn't want to lose her. Sure they had problems, but they could work through it because they had been so happy for so long and he still loved her, more than ever. He just hoped he could convince her that he wasn't seeing anyone else.

He headed straight to her office, he knew that was probably where she would be. When he got there the door was slightly ajar, he quietly slipped in and saw her standing in front of her desk with her back to him. Her shoulders were shaking, she was sobbing.

"Lily, it's only me," he said softly he went over to her and put his arm round her shoulder, resting his chin on top of her head.

"Y-You sh-should go-go home," she sobbed.

"I can't leave you like this," said James pulling her closer.

"I-I'm f-fine."

"You're not," he said softly. "It's been a horrible day, just let it out. Just for a little while, just let me…"

So she let him hold her while she cried, she didn't even protest when he turned her round and held the back of her head. She just stood there, crying and letting her husband comfort her because in that moment it was the most natural thing in the world.

"Shhhh shhhh shhhh it's alright," said James trying to soothe her. "It's all going to be okay, I promise."

"Th-thank you," said Lily once she had stopped crying. "It was just seeing that list of people who didn't report back."

"I know," he said softly. "It was a mess out there, I'm glad you weren't there."

"And I hate that you were," said Lily. "I should probably get going."

"Yeah me too," said James.

"Oh and…I know this probably isn't the right time to mention this but…I called a divorce lawyer, it should be quick to take care of."

"You want a divorce?" James croaked.


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

"You want a divorce?" James croaked.

"It just seems like the next logical step," said Lily looking away. "I doubt your new girlfriend will put up with you still being married for very long."

"I don't have a new girlfriend," said James still in shock.

"It's okay," said Lily sadly. "You don't have to pretend, I know you're seeing Tricia. It's fine."

"I'm not!"

"Alright, there is no need to shout," said Lily holding up her hands in defeat. "I just heard…"

"Well you heard wrong," said James.

"Well it doesn't matter anyway," said Lily. "We'll have to sort it out eventually. I mean our marriage is over, right?"

"Right," said James painfully. "If that is what you want."

"It's not what I want James," she sighed. "But we have to do it."

"Do we?" he asked looking at his with his sad brown eyes. "I don't want to. I don't want to make any of this official because…because…"

"Because what, James?" asked Lily. "Come on. You ended this, you started dating so tell me what the hell do you want?"

"I don't know!" James shouted taking Lily by surprise. "I don't know what I want. But I know what I don't want. I don't want a divorce! I don't want to start dating again! I definitely don't want you to date other men! I don't want any of this, I just wish we could turn the clock back to when we were us before we got lazy and forgot…I haven't forgotten anymore, I remember what we were and I want it again!"

"Yeah I remember too," said Lily quietly. "When we were happy, it was amazing."

"It was like that for so long," said James. "It was just the last few months. Did something change and I just didn't see it?"

"No," said Lily honestly. "I didn't change. We just started to work more and spend less time together. We just ended up fighting and then I…left."

"How did this become us? We were different, we were supposed to make it."

"Some things just don't work out the way you thought they would," said Lily sadly. "And for what it's worth, I'm sorry. If I had known what would happen if I went on that mission…I wouldn't have left if I knew you wouldn't be there…" By now Lily couldn't hide her tears from James anymore.

"Hey, come on don't cry," said James softly. "I hate seeing you this upset."

"Sorry," said Lily wiping her tears from her cheeks. "It's been a long day."

"Let's get out of here," said James pulling his arm around Lily's shoulders.

"Yeah I should get back to my Dad's, I'm staying with him by the way," said Lily.

"Yeah I had wondered," said James. "You could come back to the house…we could get some food and…"

"I don't think that's a very good idea tonight," said Lily.

"Right," James muttered. "I understand."

"I just meant that, we've both had a long emotional day. You must be exhausted, you were battling all day," said Lily. "If we went back to the house, we would talk, cry and have sad, weepy sex."

"Sad, weepy sex?" asked James quirking an eyebrow at her.

"Stop mocking me. I'm serious," said Lily.

"Alright," James chuckled. "At least let me walk you home."

"Okay," said Lily. "Just let me grab my jacket."

* * *

"Well here we are," said Lily. She was standing in front of Dad's house.

"Yeah here we are," said James. "It's weird this place still scares the crap out of me."

"I remember the first time you came here to meet my Dad," Lily laughed. "I thought he'd scare you away before he even met you."

"He is one scary guy especially if you're dating his daughter," said James.

"I imagine he would be," she said then added . "You going to be okay tonight? That battle really was bad."

"I'll be okay," James reassured her. "Will you be alright?"

"I'll be fine, I just need a good nights sleep," Lily smiled.

"Will you have dinner with me tomorrow night?" asked James as if he had just worked up the courage to ask.

"Dinner?"

"Yes dinner," said James. "I miss you Lily, I have missed you constantly. So please have dinner with me, I just want to talk you like we used to and if I wait until tomorrow to ask you, I'll chicken out. I'm so sick of arguing and pretending like I don't want to be around you, today has just made it so much clearer."

"I'd love to have dinner with you tomorrow," said Lily knowing exactly how he felt. She had missed James, not just as her husband but as her best friend and soulmate as well.

"That's great. I'll meet you after work in your office?" said James grinning like he had just won the lottery.

"Okay," Lily smiled. "Thank you for walking me home."

"No problem, at least I can sleep easy knowing you're safe," said James tilting his head.

"Goodnight James," said Lily reaching up and cupping the side of his face with her hand, she lightly kissed his other cheek. "I haven't stopped loving you, I never will. I just wanted you to know that, no matter what happens don't ever think I've stopped loving you."

"Thank you," James whispered.

"You're welcome."

"I love you too," he whispered in her ear as he went to kiss her cheek.

"I'm going inside now," she whispered.

"Alright, goodnight."

"Goodnight."


	7. Chapter 7

_PREVIOUSLY_

_"Will you have dinner with me tomorrow night?" asked James as if he had just worked up the courage to ask._

_"Dinner?"_

_"Yes dinner," said James. "I miss you Lily, I have missed you constantly. So please have dinner with me, I just want to talk you like we used to and if I wait until tomorrow to ask you, I'll chicken out. I'm so sick of arguing and pretending like I don't want to be around you, today has just made it so much clearer."_

_"I'd love to have dinner with you tomorrow," said Lily knowing exactly how he felt. She had missed James, not just as her husband but as her best friend and soulmate as well._

_"That's great. I'll meet you after work in your office?" said James grinning like he had just won the lottery._

**Chapter 7**

"Hey, are you ready to go?" James asked Lily the next day. They had just finished work and he was waiting for her outside her office.

"Yeah I'm ready," she said. It had taken her hours but she finally found a dress that covered her ever growing bump. She knew she would have tell James about the baby eventually but not tonight, tonight she just wanted to enjoy the company of her husband.

"You look amazing," he smiled.

"Thank you," she said. "You don't look so bad yourself."

"What this old thing?"

"Uh James I think you're forgetting how many years I spent doing your washing, I know your wearing new clothes," she giggled. Even after all those years he was still the only man who could make her giggle like a lovesick schoolgirl.

"Oh bugger," he muttered.

"I like it," she said. "It's very sweet."

"Come on I made reservations at your favorite restaurant," he said eagerly.

"Oh good I'm starving."

"How are you doing, after yesterday?" he asked seriously. "It was pretty rough."

"I'm okay," she said. "Not great but I guess I have to learn to deal with it. How are you? How is your arm, the healer said you hurt it?"

"I'm fine and my arm is back to normal," he said.

"It was a bad one," she sighed.

"Yeah it was," he agreed. "But I don't want to spend tonight talking about work or the war or anything like that."

"So what can we talk about?"

"Normal things," he said. "No mentioning the V word or the D word."

"The D word?"

"Divorce," he said seriously. "I hate that word."

"I don't like it much either," said Lily avoiding his gaze.

"Then we never have to talk about it again," he said taking her hand and apparating to the restaurant.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"Thank you for dinner tonight I had a great time," said Lily.

They had managed to get through dinner without talking about work, death or the state of their marriage. It felt just like it used to, easy she could just talk to James. It had helped remind her why she had fallen in love with him in the first place, he just managed to put her completely at ease, he had made her laugh and made her feel more content than she had in months. He had even managed to help her forget about the baby, although he had questioned why she wasn't drinking but he had believed her when she told him that she didn't want a hangover in the morning.

"So did I," said James genuinely. "I have missed you."

"I've missed you too," said Lily as they walked up the street to her Dad's house.

"Nothing is the same without you," he said emotionally. He stopped walking and turned to face Lily, he reached out and cupped her face. "I'm sorry I have been so angry with you."

"You had good reason to be," she said unable to look him directly in the eye.

"And you had good reason to leave…"

"I didn't leave you…I mean I did but not in the way you make it sound. I left for a job, I didn't leave our marriage…"

"That isn't the way it felt to me," said James dropping his hand from her face.

"I know," said Lily guiltily. "I am sorry for how I left."

"I know you are," he said. "Come here you're shivering." He reached out and pulled her body into his, he place one hand on her waist and the other one stroked her hair.

"What are we doing James?" she whispered against him.

"I don't know, but…I know that I don't like being apart from you," he said. "I want to try and rebuild our relationship and get back to where we were before our problems started."

"You want that?" she questioned. She had to know if he really did want her, she couldn't bear the thought of them just getting back together for the sake of their baby.

"More than anything," he confessed. "What do you want?"

"I want you."

"I want you too," said James. "Just one more thing?"

"Hmmm…"

"Well you're staying at you Dad's?"

"Yes."

"He has never been my biggest fan and I'm guessing he's even less so now," said James.

"It wasn't that he disliked you, he was never going to like anyone that took me away from home," said Lily. "He's just protective."

"I know that," said James. "And if I'm honest I'm glad you're staying here instead of being alone…not that you can't come home anytime you want."

"I think it's a little too soon for that," Lily smiled.

"Anyway my point is that when I walk you to the door, he will be standing in the hallway waiting for you so…if I was going to get to kiss you then it would have be before we got to the house, you know if I wanted to keep my balls, which I do by the way."

"That is true," she said. James clearly remembered how her Dad had acted when they were dating.

She looked up and almost melted when she saw the way he was looking her. It was funny how one look from him made her stomach flip. So she reached up and linked her arms round his neck and pressed her lips to his. He immediately reacted by picking her up by the waist, lifting her off the ground and kissing her lovingly.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

Lily was officially freaking out. She and James had been on three dates. She was now almost four and a half months pregnant and there was no more hiding it. She had woken on that morning to find that she had popped, none of her baggy clothes could conceal her bump. She still hadn't told James. She had meant to but it had just felt so good to be around him and not have to deal with grown up problems, she could just enjoy her husband's company. But she had to tell him today because she couldn't hide her pregnancy any longer, she was well past the getting a little bit fat stage.

She walked into the office that way with her jacket over her arm covering the bump. She walked as quickly as she could to her office so she could hide behind her desk. She barely had time to sit down before Remus came running in.

"Please tell me you have told James about the baby," he gasped.

"Not yet," she sighed. "But I'm going to his office right now to tell him, I'm too big now to…what?" Remus had gone all pale as if he was about to be sick.

"Ronda, you know the gossip from Muggle liaison?"

"What about her?" asked Lily.

"She saw you this morning and…it's all over the department that she thinks you are pregnant not just fat like everyone thought," he said. "So if I was you I would make damn sure that…"

"No I have to be the one to tell him," said Lily starting to panic. She couldn't even imagine James' reaction if someone else told him, it was going to be hard enough to explain to him why she had kept it from him.

"Then you better do it fast," said Remus.

"I think it's too late," said Lily sinking back into her seat. James was heading her way fast and he wasn't happy in fact he looked livid.

"Do you want me to stay?" asked Remus looking over his shoulder.

"No I have to do this," said Lily. "It's not as if James will start to slap me around."

"Okay," said Remus. "Good luck."

"Moony can you leave so I can talk to my wife," said James not taking his eyes off Lily.

Remus slowly backed out of the room without saying a word. James just stood in front of Lily's desk, his arms crossed, glaring at her.

"I uh need to talk to you James," she said dreading that he already knew.

"I heard something pretty interesting this morning."

"You did?"

"Please, please tell me that what I heard isn't true," he said as if he was in physical pain.

"What did you hear?"

"That you're pregnant."

"Oh…yeah that is true," said Lily unable to say anything else. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

"But…how is that even possible?" James exploded. "We haven't been together in months!! How could you…find someone else?"

"I didn't," she shouted at him. "How pregnant do you think I am?" She stood up so that James could see the bump.

"I don't know," he shouted with an adorable puzzled look on his face.

"Four and a half months," she shouted. "So no before you start accusing me I have never slept with anyone but you!"

"Four and a half months," he repeated. "That is why you came home early…you would still be out there if you weren't…"

"James," she sighed.

"We were talking yesterday, why didn't you just tell me?"

"Because I couldn't."

"Why not?" he shouted.

"Because I didn't want you to want to get back together because I'm having a baby," she said. "I wanted you to want to be with me because you love me and not because I got pregnant."

"I don't want to be with someone who could lie to my face for months!" said James his voice as cold as ice.

"James," she said softly. "You don't mean that."

"You lied to me."

"I know but…everything has been so good between us lately," she said. "I know you must be so angry at me but…"

"I can't even look at you," he said. "Just leave me alone."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

It had been nearly a week since James had found out about the baby, he had barely spoken to Lily since. Sirius however had taken it upon himself to make his intention to be Godfather known, and had a habit of just showing up at her office or at her Dad's just to check up on her and make sure she was okay. Although she pretended it was annoying, she actually thought it was really sweet of him to care so much even if James couldn't acknowledge that he was going to be a Dad. That was what made it so much worse in Lily's eyes, that he hadn't even inquired about their child, he didn't have to forgive her but it really hurt that he would punish their baby because of her mistake. She had never doubted that he would be an amazing father until now, she had always thought he would be a natural.

"Hey hot mama," Sirius shouted to Lily as she made her way into her office. She immediately noticed that James wasn't with him. "How is my Godson?"

"He seems to be fine this morning," said Lily.

"How is his Mama doin'?" Sirius asked. He knew that neither Lily or James were handling the situation well. At least Lily was keeping it together, James was a total mess and he just wouldn't listen to anyone that tried to talk some sort of sense into him.

"His Mama is just fine," Lily smiled as she rested her hand on her bump. "It could be a girl you know."

"Nah it's a boy, I have a feeling," he said. "When is your next appointment with the healers?"

"This afternoon," she said. "It's just a check up to make sure they are growing properly and that there are no health issues I need to worry about."

"Do you find out the sex?" asked Sirius hopefully.

"I believe I can," she smiled. "It is still pretty early but they can make an educated guess about the sex."

"So you will be able to tell me if I am having a Godson or a Goddaughter?"

"If I decide to find out then yes."

"Oh please," he pleaded. "Do it for me! I'll bring you cake."

"What kind of cake?"

"What kind do you want?"

"Carrot."

"You hate carrot cake," said Sirius. He knew she hated carrot cake because she had once launched one at his head.

"The baby likes it," Lily shrugged. "Bring me carrot cake and I will find out the sex for you."

"Done!" said Sirius. He cleared his thought and then added seriously. "I uh don't suppose you know...if Prongs...I mean...."

"James is more than welcome to come to the appointment today," said Lily, she knew what he wanted to say. "I doubt he will want to though, but tell him he can come if he wants."

"I'll tell him that," said Sirius. "I'll bring your cake up before Moody's briefing...can't have my Godson deprived of energy."

"Thank you."

-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-==-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"Evans!" Moody shouted. Moody had always called her Evans even after she got married, it was just too confusing to have two Potters in the same department.

He was in the middle of giving the Auror's their briefing and Lily had spaced out. She didn't even know why she even went to them anymore, she was doing the same thing every single day, paperwork. But she actually found that she was minding it less and less everyday, she did miss being out in the field but it seemed it the past month her maternal instincts had kicked in. She couldn't bear the idea of risking her baby's life, her job was to keep them safe and well and she knew that was easier to do while they were inside of her because they were going to have to deal with being born into a war. She had thought about leaving Britain altogether and just taking her baby to where it was safe, but then she would be leaving James as well and her baby really wouldn't have a father because she was hoping that he would come round.

"Yes sir," she said.

"Potter is behind in his paperwork, I need you to give him a hand to get it done then work with Healer Prewitt to update all the medical records," said Moody.

"I have a healer appointment in two hours," she said.

"Fine, update the records first then," said Moody.

"Yes sir," said Lily.

She looked across the room to where James was sitting with Sirius. He was staring blankly ahead as if he wasn't paying any attention either. She wished he would just look at her, just once but he just turned his head or started to look at the floor whenever they were in the same room together. He looked tired, she had heard that he had been sleeping in his office most nights, so she didn't see how he could be behind in his paperwork. She knew she had been wrong not to tell him about the baby, she had made a mistake but he was still going to be a father, no matter how he felt about her he should at least be able to muster up some sort of feeling about it.

"Potter get that paperwork done!" Moody snapped before giving the rest of the Aurors their assignments.

When he was about halfway through Lily suddenly felt nauseas, her morning sickness had passed but she had read that sometimes if she smelt something in particular it could make her feel nauseas. She sat up further in her seat hoping it would pass but she just felt a shooting pain through her stomach.

"Sir can I be excused," she said getting to her feet. "I need some fresh air."

"Fine," said Moody clearly not happy about the interruption.

"I'll go with her," said Sirius standing up. Moody had already given him his orders.

"No I'm fine," said Lily opening the door. She really didn't want a scene it was embarrassing enough that she couldn't make it through a briefing without everyone thinking that she needed an escort to the hall.

"Don't argue come on," said Sirius taking her by the hand.

They hadn't even made it out of the door, when Lily doubled over in pain. All she could feel was pain in her stomach, she felt like she was under the cruciatus curse. She screamed out in pain holding her stomach.

"What's wrong?" asked Sirius frantically.

"I don't know," she cried. She looked up automatically looking over to James, but he was just standing there watching her but he didn't move, in fact he didn't seem to be feeling any sort of emotion. "My baby."

"Get her to St. Mungo's," Moody roared.

Sirius didn't need to be told twice, he took hold of Lily's arm and apparated.

"Sir..." James started.

"Go!" shouted Moody. James apparated on the spot. The charms in their conference room meant that apparating in there was impossible unless Moody instructed them too, Merlin knows what they would do if Moody was killed.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

"Is the baby okay?" Lily asked anxiously. The pain had subsided, the healer had been running tests on her. She had been lying in a bed in St Mungo's for over an hour.

"Your baby is perfectly healthy," said Healer Prewitt.

"It is?"

"Yes," she said. "I did all the tests I was supposed to do later, and everything is completely normal."

"Thank god," said Lily. "But what was that though? I felt like my stomach was on fire, I couldn't breathe."

"From what I can tell from your test results, it was stress."

"Stress?" said Lily as if it was the most absurd thing she had ever heard. "Stress? You can't be serious. When you get stress you get a headache, you get tired you do not feel like someone just set your baby on fire!"

"Stress can affect people in different ways," said Healer Prewitt calmly. She had gotten used to Lily's hot temper from working with her. "Your blood pressure is abnormally high, we are going to have to keep an eye on that."

"But..."

"You need to stop getting to stressed, you need rest and relaxation..."

"You do know what my job is right now, don't you? I file paperwork and try to get idiotic morons to file theirs," said Lily.

"And it is stressing you out," said Healer Prewitt. "You need to take a break, at least until your blood pressure goes down."

"Could it hurt the baby?" asked Lily vulnerably. "The stress could it hurt the baby, please don't sugarcoat anything for me."

"It can cause you to go into early labour and if that happens and the baby isn't ready to be born then yes it can kill them," said Healer Prewitt. "I really can't stress this point enough, you need to avoid stressful situations. I'm not saying that everyday annoyances can cause you to go into labor but stressful situations all day everyday could."

"I understand," said Lily. "Am I free to go now?"

"Yes," she said. "But I want to see you every four weeks from now until the birth just to keep an eye on things."

"Okay," said Lily. She sat up and got off the bed. "Thank you."

"Look after yourself," said Healer Prewitt.

"I will," said Lily. "Oh what about the sex?"

"I'm fairly certain it's a boy."

"Thank you." Lily left the room to find Sirius waiting outside for her pacing back and forth.

"Is everything okay?" he asked anxiously.

"Yes everything is okay," said Lily. "The baby is fine."

"Then what the hell was that? You scared the life out of me!"

"I'm sorry," she laughed. Sirius was just so dramatic and over the top that she couldn't help but laugh. She knew that he had his flaws but he was a good man and he would love the baby so much, even though he really had given her no choice she knew he would be an amazing Godfather.

"So what happened?"

"Stress, apparently."

"Stress? Seriously?"

"That is what I said," she said. "Apparently pregnancy changes the way my body reacts to stress."

"Does that mean you don't throw things now because my bruises really do need a few months to heal," said Sirius.

"You are such an idiot," she said affectionately. "No it just means I should avoid continuous stress."

"Well I'm going to make sure you do."

"Why? Are you leaving the country?"

"Ouch," said Sirius clutching his chest. "That hurt."

"I'm sure it did," said Lily. "I'm just going to head home now and put my feet up."

"Okay," said Sirius seriously. "If you need anything you know where I am."

"Thank you," she said gratefully. "James didn't want to come then?"

"He's in the toilet," said Sirius.

"I appreciate you lying," she said sadly. "But I have always known that there was the possibility that I would be raising this baby alone, I guess I just had it confirmed."

"You won't be alone."

"I know I have you," she said. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Take care," said Sirius.

"Bye," said Lily. She walked to the end of the hall to the apparation point and apparated home. Sirius turned to the chair in the corner. "You are such an idiot."

"I know," said James taking off his invisibility cloak. "But I don't know what to say to her."

"Well you better find something to say and fast," Sirius said angrily. "She is carrying your baby, and you can't talk to her."

"I know," James groaned. "But I just...I froze I was terrified and I couldn't move when I saw her double over in pain. I wish I could have reacted the way you did, but I just froze."

"Mate you need to grow a backbone, I never thought you would be coward," said Sirius. "She is your wife."

"I know that," said James. "I know everything you are going to say to me. I'm spineless, a terrible husband and I'll be an even worse father. I know that. I know that I have to talk to her because she thinks I don't care about the baby..."

"And do you care about the baby?"

"Of course I care about it," said James angrily. "Why do you think I send you for updates every two hours?"

"I don't get the updates for you, unlike you I am not about to leave Lily pregnant and alone thinking that nobody gives a damn!"

"I need to think," James sighed.

"You haven't done enough of that yet?"

"Apparently not!" James snapped. "But when I talk to her I need to say the right thing, I just don't know what it is yet. I don't know how I feel about anything yet, it's a lot to take it."

"Whatever," said Sirius disgusted. "You need to just grow a pair."


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

The next day at work James went looking for Lily. He had to talk to her, he couldn't let her go on thinking that he didn't care about her and the baby. But when he got to the office he found that it was empty. It was really empty all her things were gone, it was just an empty desk and two chairs. He saw Sirius walk past and grabbed him.

"Where is Lily?" he demanded.

"She's gone mate."

"Gone? What do you mean she's gone?" he shouted. Everything he felt when she left for a mission came flooding back but most of all he felt fear, it wasn't just Lily anymore she was carrying his baby.

"She handed in her resignation this morning," said Sirius. "You heard what the Healer told her, no stress I guess she just thought that the job was too much of a danger now."

"It's a danger now but when deatheaters were throwing her ten feet into the air I was overprotective,'' said James.

"Yeah I wouldn't open with that if you are going to talk to her," said Sirius. "Just because she's pregnant doesn't mean that she isn't still mental."

"I know," said James. "And thank you for yesterday it was just the kick up the backside I needed."

"No problem, I'm just glad you finally started to listen," said Sirius.

"And thank you for checking up on Lily this week," said James.

"That is what Godfathers are for."

"Tell Moody I'm out sick today," said James.

"What are you going to say to her?"

"I'm here for our baby," said James. "And I want her to have the house, I set up more protective charms round it last night. It's the only safe place for the baby, the muggle world isn't safe enough anymore."

"What about you two?" asked Sirius. "I'm sure my Godson would like his parents to be together."

"I don't think it's going to happen," said James sadly. "The baby is the most important thing right now, I have to focus on that."

"You really can't forgive her?"

"I'll see you later," said James.

He just couldn't answer that question. He didn't know if he could forgive Lily, he just felt so betrayed he didn't understand how she could have kept her pregnancy from him. Yes he had been angry and hurt when she came back but he could have put that aside if she had just told him. But he felt like she had lured him into a false sense of security, he thought they were getting back on track but it had all been lie. He felt she had been testing him all alone. He hated that she hadn't trusted him. He still loved her, he always would and he still missed her, more than anything he wished he didn't feel the way he did, he wished they could put it all behind them and just be happy together. But he couldn't just forget about it, no matter how much he tried.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"James," Lily gasped. He was the last person she was expecting to see, her Dad had gone for a walk when she had heard the knock on the front door if she was honest she thought it was a salesperson. There was no protective charms up around her Dad's house so there was nothing to stop anyone from apparating in.

"Hi Lily," he said.

"You knocked on the door?"

"Uh yeah I didn't want to be rude," said he scratching the back of his head. "Also I think your Dad would kill me if I just apparated in."

"Right okay," she babbled. She was still in shock at seeing him, she had been convincing herself all day and last night that he wouldn't be around. "Uh...do you want to come in?"

"Yeah," he said. "Or we could take a walk."

"It's okay my Dad isn't home," she smiled. "Come on in." She opened the front door and lead him into the sitting room.

"So..."

"What do you want James?" she sighed. "You don't have to say anything to me, I get that you don't want the baby you made that perfectly clear yesterday."

"Lily..."

"I just don't get it James. I know that you hate me but I thought I was going to lose our child and you couldn't even be bothered to check that it was okay," she shouted with tears in her eyes. She lifted her hand shakily to wipe her eyes, she was not going to let him see her cry. "How can you just not care about your own baby?"

"I do care," he said. "I'm so sorry I wasn't there yesterday, I wish I could have reacted like Sirius did but I...I just froze, I was terrified I couldn't move."

"You haven't even asked if everything is alright?" she snapped. "It is by the way. The baby is growing normally and is perfectly healthy."

"Good," said James. "I do care, that is what I came here to say to you. I am here for the baby. I know I didn't react well but it was a lot to take it like that."

"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you, I was wrong I know I was so wrong not tell you," said Lily. "If I could go back and change it I would."

"And I was at the hospital yesterday, I just...I didn't know what to say to you," said James. "But I have to tell you that you will not be raising our baby on your own."

"I won't," she said allowing herself to feel hope, she knew that James had loved her last week but this week she just didn't know. He had forgiven her for leaving on that mission but she wasn't sure he could forgive her for betraying him.

"No you won't," said James. "I'm going to be here for everything. I mean it every appointment everything."

"Okay," she said unable to say anything else.

"I was also thinking and you need to have the house," he said firmly. "It's the safest place for you to be right now. I have already moved most of my stuff into Sirius' spare room and I can have the rest of it out by tomorrow."

"Oh," her heart sank. Their marriage was over, he wasn't even going to try and save it. "So we..."

"I think it's best if we focus on the baby now," said James.

"So our marriage is over," she said unable to stop tears from rolling down her cheeks.

"I think so," he said sadly, unable to look at her. "I think it's for the best."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the baby, I just wanted to be sure that we were trying to save our marriage for the right reasons," she said tears still flowing freely from her eyes. "And we were, everything was getting so much better..."

"It was all a lie," he said.

"It wasn't."

"It was," he said. "I always thought I could trust you, above all else we had trust."

"You can trust me."

"Not like I used to," he said. "So now we have to focus on the baby and what is best for them. So what do you think about moving back into the house? It has all the protection we up and a few more, I can take myself off the alarm list so that I can't just apparate straight in..."

"Fine," said Lily wiping the tears from her face, her voice was still a little shaky though.

"You agree?"

"Yes," she said. She knew he was being practical and he was right, she couldn't deny what was best for her baby and that was protection from the deatheaters.

"Do you need help moving?" he asked anxiously. He wanted to get her back into their house as soon as possible, he hated the thought that she could be attacked at anytime without warning.

"No," she said looking out of the window to avoid looking at him. "I didn't bring much with me."

"Right," said James awkwardly.

"Can you just go please?" she asked as she watched the rain fall.

"Yeah," he said hating himself for making her so obviously unhappy. "Okay."

"Thank you," she said.

"I heard you quit," he said.

"It's kind of temporary," she said. "Until the baby is born and old enough..."

"I think it's the right decision," he said.

"I'm sure you do," she sniffed.

"Well you don't have to worry about money or anything..."

"I don't even care about money," she said still just looking out of the window.

"I know I just..." he just wished to could say something to take that sad heartbreaking look off her face.

"We both did wrong," she said.

"It's completely different," said James. "I...I wasn't around for a week, because I had to get my head around this. You abandoned our marriage and then lied to me for weeks!"

"I'm sorry, I don't know how else to say it."

"Then don't," said James. "I know you're sorry."

"I already asked you to leave once," she said. "I'll owl you with the date and time of my next appointment."

"Okay," he said sadly. "Bye."

"Goodbye James," she said and he knew she was crying again.

"Please stop crying," he pleaded as he stood in the doorway.

"Please just leave."


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

"I really think that you need to rethink this," said Sirius.

It had been almost a week since Lily had moved into her and James' house. At first she had been alright, she knew she couldn't let herself fall apart because she had to be strong for her baby. She had tried to keep herself busy, the first thing she had did was redecorate she couldn't stand the memories in that house, the wallpaper they had picked together and the fireplace they had found on their honeymoon. But with the help of her wand redecorating the entire house had only taken her two days, all except the baby's room. She couldn't bring herself to sleep in the room she had used to share with James, so she had moved all her stuff into the bedroom next door. She had decided to turn their old room into the nursery, because it was a big beautiful room with big bay windows that would be perfect for the baby. She had also decided to decorate the nursery by hand, waving her wand just felt too easy. But she had gotten restless with nothing but decorating to do all day, so she had contacted Dumbledore and joined the Order.

"No I don't," said Lily.

She was at headquarters to meet with Dumbledore. He had agreed that she could be helpful when it came to planning their missions, she had been an Auror so she knew what it would involve. It gave her something to do, made her believe that she will helping to fight in the war but still keeping herself out of harms way. Despite this she knew James wouldn't be happy about it, but she hadn't spoken to James since she had moved out of her Dad's house, she had sent him a letter telling him when her next healer appointment was and she had asked him to stay away for a little while, she needed time to get used to him not being around for her anymore. She thought it would get easier but it was getting harder everyday, she missed him and it was killing her that she really had lost him.

"You do," Sirius exclaimed. "I thought you gave up work because it was too stressful."

"I did," she said. "But I got bored at home, there was nothing to do."

"What about the nursery?"

"It doesn't take four and a half months to paint a nursery," hissed Lily. "I have to be doing something to help in this war, I can't sit around doing nothing when people are dying."

"But..."

"I know the risks," said Lily. She knew Sirius was just trying to look out for her and the baby. "But I really need to do this, and I promise you the second I feel like it's getting too much for the baby I will quit."

"And you made sure Dumbledore knows what the healer told you about stress?"

"Yes," said Lily. "Trust me I know what I'm doing."

"Okay," said Sirius.

"And I would appreciate it if you didn't mention this to James," said Lily. She really couldn't face arguing with him, she didn't even think she could handle even seeing him right now.

"Oh come on," Sirius groaned. "Do you really think that keeping more secrets is a good idea?"

Lily felt like she had been punched, Sirius was right.

"I'm sorry I didn't mean it like that..."

"No you're right," she said softly. "I guess it's not really a smart thing to do right now, or ever again, I mean the last secret I kept from him cost me my marriage."

'"Are you okay?" asked Sirius.

He had only just managed to get that sad, lonely look off Lily's face and now it was back. It just wasn't right that James and Lily weren't together, he knew it wasn't making either of them happy. James was just throwing himself into preparing for the baby, he had put them on the waiting list for Hogwarts and he was busy setting up some sort of infant trust fund thing, to be honest Sirius hadn't really been listen when he had started to prattle on about it. But Sirius knew his best mate and he knew that he was just trying to stop himself from thinking about Lily, he thought that if he just didn't think about then the pain and unhappiness would just go away. James didn't even sleep in his bed, he fell asleep every night in an armchair in Sirius' living room, it was just plain weird. And Lily really wasn't coping much better either, she was trying to get over it by avoiding James almost as if she didn't see him she wouldn't have to deal with him. But she seemed to be failing, Sirius could tell that she was still thinking about James all the time unless he managed to distract her.

"Yeah I'll be fine," said Lily.

"You will be fine?" said Sirius. "Come on, don't you think the two of you should talk? You don't belong apart, my Godson needs both you."

"Please don't," she sighed. "We are separated and that is not about to change anytime soon, in fact I have an appointment with a divorce lawyer next week, he can write the custody arrangements into the divorce."

"A divorce, seriously," gasped Sirius. "No, no, no...."

"Don't worry we both still love you," Lily mocked. "So if you don't mind I have to meet with Dumbledore?"

"Okay," said Sirius reluctantly. "But you will tell James."

"First chance I get," said Lily.

"Good."

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

A few hours later Lily had finished talking to Dumbledore, between them they had planned the Order's next mission and their patrols rota. She was just coming out of his office when she almost ran straight into James quite literally.

"Lily, what are you doing here?" he said.

"Uh...I'm..." she said. She remembered what Sirius said about not keeping anymore secrets from James. "I'm helping Dumbledore with some work for the Order."

Immediately James' nostrils flared. "Are you serious?"

"Yes," she said. "Don't get angry."

"I'm going in there to talk to Dumbledore for two minutes and then I want to talk to you," he said slowly.

"Is that a request or an order?" she asked.

"Just do it."

"No," said Lily. "I don't have to answer to you anymore."

"You do when you're carrying my baby," James hissed.

"I'm not on active duty," she hissed back. "There is no danger to the baby."

"Ah Mr. Potter," said Dumbledore appearing at the door. "Unfortunately a situation has arisen that I must deal with, you can get your patrol duties from your wife."

"Okay thank you sir," said James.

"You are in area three, location B Friday to Sunday from sundown," said Lily. "And I'm going home."

"No," said James taking hold of her arm. "We have to talk about this."

"No we don't,' she hissed. "Let go of me."

"No," he said. "I'm going to apparate."

"Not with me you're not," she hissed.

"Lily please," he said exasperated by her.

"I'm not listening to a lecture from you," she huffed. "Like I said I don't have to justify my actions to you! You ended our marriage, that means that we stay the hell out of each others lives!"

"Like hell it does," James shouted not bothering to even try and keep his voice down anymore.

"Oh really well what sort of say does an ex-husband have in the ex-wife's life," said Lily making sure she put extra emphasis on ex.

"Plenty when they are carrying my baby."

"I don't interfere with your work for the department or the Order," she shouted back. "I don't try and control your life...you stubborn sexist pig! I am not some feeble, doll like woman who can't take care of herself."

"We are not having this argument here," said James looking around suddenly very aware that they were in the middle of a school.

"We are not having it all," she shouted. "I am going home!"

"No you're not!" said James holding onto her arm and apparating her back to Sirius' flat, he knew that he would be at work.

"Ugh get off me," said Lily pulling her arm out of James' reach. "I don't see why you are getting so worked up about this. I am just giving Dumbledore a hand with the more mundane aspects of the Order."

"There is nothing mundane about the war!"

"Oh really! Well I can tell you that patrols and travel arrangements doesn't exactly send me into an orbit of excitement."

"Then why bother doing it?" James countered.

"Because I have to do something," Lily shouted. "I can't just sit at home and knit...I tried knitting, I'm not very good at it I ended up stabbing myself a lot, I don't know why they make those needles so damn pointy."

"I don't know either," said James. "And I am not asking you to sit at home and knit all day."

"What are you asking me to do?"

"Not to put yourself in harms way," said James feeling strangely calm, after being so angry a few seconds ago.

"You mean not to put the baby in harms way, you don't give a damn about me anymore," Lily snapped. She knew it was childish to say that but she was still trying to work out what she and James were to each other now, she didn't know how to not love him.

"Oh don't be ridiculous," James scoffed. "Of course I care about you."

"While I'm carrying your baby," said Lily calmly.

"Lily...I..." he wanted to tell her that his feelings about her hadn't changed. She was still his wife, and he still loved her more than anything in the world and that he would never be able to carry on if anything happened to her. But for some reason he just couldn't get the words out.

"It's okay," she said softly trying to hide her emotions. "I promise you that I am not going to risk the health of my baby, not for anything. I will be doing nothing more than helping Dumbledore get organised, like a glorified secretary and the second I feel like we can't handle the stress I will quit."

"But..."

"I can't sit at home and just wait for people to die," said Lily. "How would you feel if you couldn't do anything, and had to sit back and watch people you love get hurt?"

"I get it," he sighed. "I do, but if something happened to..."

"Nothing will happen to the baby, I swear I wouldn't put them at risk," said Lily. "Can you please just trust me on this? I know you don't trust me much these days but..."

"Okay," said James. "But you really do need to take it easy."

"I know, I am," said Lily.

"Okay then," said James.

"Sorry for screaming at you," said Lily. "We should at least be able to be amicable, I mean this won't be the last time we disagree on something."

"Yeah," said James. "I'm sorry too, I'm sorry I grabbed you."

"It's okay," she said.

"Come on I'll take you home," he said taking her arm, he leaned in and pressed a tender kiss to her forehead. "It's all going to be okay, I promise."

"You can't do that," said Lily quietly.

"What?"

"You can't comfort me like that anymore," she said. "In fact it's probably best if you try and not touch me at all. It's just too hard...right now it's just making it harder."

"I haven't seen you in almost a week," said James. "I have been giving you space."

"I know and I appreciate it," she said. "But it's going to take more than a few days to get over you."

"I know but..." said James. He felt like a whiny child, he missed her it was torture for him not to see her for those few days, it was like he fed off her and without her he just felt lifeless.

"Please James," she said sounding as if she was on the verge of tears. "I can't handle you touching me like that right now."

"Fine," said James grudgingly.

"I can apparate home by myself," said Lily. James was still holding onto her arm.

"You can't apparate out of here," said James.

"Right okay then."

Without another word James apparated Lily to their house and then apparated back to Sirius' without saying anything to her.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

The day after her fight with James Lily was painting the nursery. She had painted the walls red and was hand painting little golden snitches across the walls, she was fairly certain she could rig the light switch so that the snitches raced around the wall when she turned the light out, so that the baby would have something to watch.

"Lily are you here?" she heard James call from downstairs.

"I'm in the nursery," she shouted back. She wasn't expecting him to drop by, especially since she had told him the day before that she didn't want him around her for a while. She could only be so strong. She heard up run up the stairs two at a time and open the door to the room next door.

"Oh...you changed this into the nursery," he said when he came into the room Lily was in. She was sitting on the floor in one of James' old shirts, her hair in a loose ponytail and flyaway hairs lying on her face.

"Yeah I thought it would be nice for the baby to have the big window," she said. "I could build a toy box under the window instead of that couch."

"You could build a toy box," he said raising an eyebrow at her. Lily was not known for her DIY skills.

"Fine I could hire someone to build a toy box," she said sitting her paintbrush down,

"I like the color," said James looking around the room.

"Thank you," said Lily. "It reminds me of the Gryffindor common room."

"Yeah me too," he said. "I love the snitches too, you always were good at painting."

"Thank you," said Lily. "It gives me something to do, it's pretty relaxing too."

"Good," said James.

"James what are you doing here?" she asked bluntly.

"I just wanted to see you," he said honestly.

"James don't do this," she sighed. "I told you yesterday, I need some time to get used to this new arrangement."

"I know you do," said James. "But I have a little problem with that."

"What kind of problem?" she asked suspiciously. She knew the look on James' face, and it wasn't good.

"I hate being away from you," he confessed. "I have never been so miserable in all my life."

"Oh...."

"I haven't slept properly since the night you left on that mission, I sit up all night in the dark with a glass of firewhiskey," said James. "I read all your letters you sent while you were away, I still have most of them actually. So I know that you want time away from me, but I can't be away from you, you're like air to me."

"James..."

"I have been so awful to you," he continued. "I hate that I made you cry, the one thing I have always prided myself on is that I have never hurt you...I guess I can't really say that anymore."

"Same here," said Lily. "I know that this is my fault. I left on the mission, I got pregnant and I didn't tell you."

"Hey it takes two to make a baby," said James using a tone she hadn't heard in a while. It was the tone he used to use when they first started dating, the voice he had used when saying his vows at their wedding, as if nothing else matter except the two of them.

"It's different it's my uterus," said Lily.

"Your uterus couldn't do squat without my guys," said James.

"That is true," Lily laughed. "So I can blame your guys for the aching feet, the weird food craving and the future sleepless nights."

"Being pregnant hasn't been much fun for you has it?" James sighed.

"It hasn't been so bad," said Lily softly. "I can feel the baby move now."

"You can?" asked James hopefully. "Can I feel it?"

"They aren't moving right now," said Lily. "You can't really feel it on the outside yet, they can't kick or anything it just sort of moves."

"Right," said James unable to hide his disappointment.

"Don't worry it's normal for the baby not to be kicking yet," said Lily softly.

"Okay," said James. "Do you want me to rub your feet?"

"Thanks but it is okay," said Lily. "I've been sitting down painting for hours."

"Do you want me to rub your butt?"

"James!" she giggled.

"Sorry," he said putting his arms in the air. "Can we please just talk?"

"We are talking," she said smiling for the first time in weeks.

"I mean a serious talk about us," said James.

"I thought there wasn't any us anymore," said Lily.

"Yeah I have been thinking about that and it's stupid," said James bluntly. "I love you, I have always loved you."

"I love you too," said Lily.

"I was hurt and I was angry," said James.

"You had every right to be," said Lily.

"I know you're sorry though and I know that you didn't mean to betray me," said James. "I know you were scared."

"I was."

"I had a really long talk with someone who managed to talk some sense into me," said James. "We still have some problems we have to deal with, and it's not going to be easy but I love you and I hate being away from you. So if it's alright with you, I want to give us another chance because I don't believe either of us will ever be able to find anything half as good as this again."

"You want to try again?"

"I do," smiled James. "We can work through our problems together, can't we?"

"Yes," said Lily.

THE END


End file.
